Ponderings at 3:30 am

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

As inferred by the title, it is currently approxiametly 3:30 am and I am wide awake. Which led my brain to search all the dark corners of my mind that I don't travel to often.
This dark place is literally where I'll store all of my stress. And the stress isn't limited to that day's events, no, this stress is things I've done years ago, or things I'm afraid I might do in the future.
For example, the tiniest action I may have done, such as tell a bad joke (I'm great at those), or make a face while one of my friends is talking, comes back to me. I literally remember the exact moment, what I felt, and then stress out about what that person had thought when I did that thing. I will actually beat myself up over it, and I'm not even sure why. I mean, these things have actually happened years ago, so why do I even remember them, right?
I suppose it could be my brain's version of a warning, which makes sense, I suppose.
The future stress though, that really gets to me.
Think of it as an impending doom.
So I'll have a list of things I know I need to accomplish by a certain time bottled up in my head; a kind of mental checklist.
But while this mental checklist could be as simple as "remember to throw out the wad of papers you're so sentimentally attached to", I find when it comes to doing the certain task I have to do, I procrastinate and end up mentally torturing myself at night about how I have this and that and so and such to do still, so I should go to sleep.
However I have these thoughts so often that I lose track of time, so one second it'll be 10:00 pm and nek minute it's 3:37 am.

Which brings me to where I am right now.

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